30. certain vs. uncertain

“August the 4th is the day I’ll go there, I’ve already agreed on it with my dad.”
“very good, Joan, very good.” he stood up and walked to one of the portraits: “ Phineas, inform Sirius and the order.”
“till your service” the portrait answered, and disappeared.
“good” Dumbledore said when he turned back towards me. “Are you holding on Joan?” I nodded. “and your examinations?”
“will do”
“good, now I want to discus your being at the Malfoy’s, you can’t, by any means gave away that you k now what’s going to happen, ok?” I once again nodded. “you’ll have to act surprised and scared.” and again I nodded. “and this all will happen pretty fast, Joan. You might get to see terrible things, but it is important you do exactly what I told you to do, ok?” I swallowed, but nodded. “then when you’re at Voldemort’s, you don’t need to be afraid, act like Snape has described you, he’ll be interested, very interested. To him, you’ll be like a lucky charm, he’ll want to keep you…” he must have seen a flicker of fear in my eyes, cause he waited a few seconds before he continued, looking at me in a certain concern. I felt something, not quite sure I blocked off my mind and Dumbledore smiled, “bery good Joan, very good, your rejection is real strong, good!” Then he continued, “he’ll test you and I know you’ll pass his test, because you are the girl he’s thinking off. Then the order, Harry and your friends, I assume, will come up in the game and run all over, cause you know Joan, He doesn’t know, but when Nagini gets killed and he himself defeated by Harry, things could end in a very bad day for him. You of course realise that things are a whole lot easier with distraction?” I nodded slowly, curious, but afraid of what was next. “Soon I’ll give you more concrete instructions for that very day, but it just might be that his intrigues in you lead him to want to talk with you in private. You could use Muffliato, but you‘ll need to do it non-verbal. I haven’t figured it all quite out, but professor Snape one of these days will give me important information and then I can go on with figuring out.” he smiled the last. I nodded, slowly letting his words come through. “ now that’s enough for today, isn’t it?” I still slowly nodded and when I, a few minutes later walked to the common room I thought of what he’d just said and couldn’t hide from myself the fear it called for me. But the week that followed I didn’t let anyone know, it hurt me that I couldn’t even tell Harry, but I didn’t. I still laughed with the twins and Lee, but I quite often was absent. Since Ron and Hermione, and Harry and Ginny now were two pairs it seemed no less then normal that I didn’t disturb them to much. Though Draco and I were back together we didn’t see each other that much, since the examinations started the week afterwards. During the examination I nor Harry went to Dumbledore at his own advise. The examinations, as I strangely enough had expected, were good and I passed easily. The twins and Lee now could quit school, they were graduated and the twins had putted their money together, and I had given mine to, for starting their shop: Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. I what so ever didn’t feel like planning my future yet, it would gave bad feelings, because the uncertainty of the future itself. That evening I went to Dumbledore‘s office. After a whole lot of planning for the entire 4th August. He said at a careful tone, which made me suspicious. “according to our very loyal source” he nodded towards Snape, who just came into the office and responded the nod with a face saying, “ok ok, now get over it”
“ Voldemort wants to, and I must say I’m impressed that he’ll give it a try, he’ll try to use your love for Draco. He might hurt him, Joan, at this point it might be better to…even get more of his interest and act, like you’re not impressed.” I looked at him with a terrible shocked expression “What?” But the face of Dumbledore said it all, I’d started this and I should end it the good way for the sake of all wizards. So I just easily nodded with a pain, indescribable. I hadn’t really seen Snape in a while and couldn’t help myself and looked up towards Snape. He’d read the pain in my eyes and gave me a little, weak, supporting smile. I was sure no-one saw Snape smiling or friendly as much as I did, I’d hold on to that, to have some strength left.

The next day I started packing, Dumbledore told me, my father had been in the school after I had left. Dumbledore had partly explained what happened, he’d been concerned, scared and even mad at Dumbledore, “but in the end he actually turned proud.” Snape told me when I visited him in the dungeons. Since I’d soon leave and might not see the man anymore it felt as I had to said goodbye to a friend, but on the other hand I’d felt uncomfortable.
At the station I hugged each of my friends firmly and promised them we’d meet soon. Then I kissed Draco and then walked to my father accompanied by Mayjin. I had to admire my dad, he’d hid his concern and began of how big and beautiful Mayjin was. I smiled at him and when we were home I said: “don’t worry dad, he won’t hurt me” and I kissed him goodnight. It apparently helped, the next days he seemed a little more relaxed in some way. And easily weeks passed, weeks of writing letters and playing with Mayjin. In these weeks a strange feeling, which I couldn’t place, came over me. I came through the weeks thinking of all my friends and most happy moments. Then I realised these were weeks of depression…
Then the end of July came, and both me and my father took off to the Burrow. Molly and Arthur both were in the order and already knew all about the plan. We celebrated Harry’s birthday and no-one seemed to mind or question my fathers presence. My friends all seemed so happy and they made me smile, but in some way I didn’t, at all feel happy.