4. Slowly

In the following week Snape stood at the door everyday, but I never opened. The last day of the week however I opened it and let him in without saying a word. “I thought I told you not to come?” Snape appalled “how did you..?”
“I didn’t, now I do.” He sighed, “I’m sorry I just wanted to know…”
“yeah yeah”
“I….I’ve shared it.”
“the memory” he nodded and I didn’t react. He got out an envelope and put it on the table. Then he left, leaving me with the later. I opened it and saw it was a rather short note.:

“Dear Joan,
It’s sad to see how you feel in this period of the year, but next to that I feel we’ve gotten pretty far already, soon I’ll join Snape in a visit. We’ve got something to talk about. You’re friends are devastated, they could have never thought of you this way and that is to be understood, isn’t it?
Greetings Albus”

I sighed, but let it go. A few weeks later Dumbledore indeed visited he wanted me to share how it had been again, but I refused, other then that he told me how the others were doing and longing to see me back. it’s almost November, Joan, want to listen to the radio this time? I simply nodded and he left. On the fifth of November Snape and Dumbledore came in and brought a radio. At three it was there.

“Dear listeners, as we do every year, this year we again would like to remind you that has now been four years since Joan Dhanes has disappeared. Four years in which nobody knows where she’d gone. I know that most people out there have heard of her, one way or an other. Leading Hogwarts to win the WCJunior, thereby beating Kammfels even. Or for the defeat of Voldemort, which ha asked it’s toll for Joan. It is believed this is why she disappeared. This year however there is something different, meaning that people claim she’s no longer totally gone. It is believed that Dumbledore after a lot of searching has found her, but this isn’t confirmed by anyone! As you proceed your day, please think of the girl again, the girl that could have meant so much more then she already did.”
“that was the minister of Magic for you and I agree Joan needs and deserves to be thought off, who knows, she might be even listening! If there’s anyone whishing to say something to Joan, dial 3298 and you might get heard!”

Music started and I stared a the little box. “At the burrow now are gathered more people then the house can hold..all crying. I told them you might be listening and I assume there going to make a call. Want to hear it?” I doubted. He must have seen a flicker of fear in my eyes, but didn’t immediately react. Then I finally nodded. A bit later the radio talked again.

“I’m getting hundreds of texts here, all saying “Joan, wherever you are, people think of you!
Or Joan you totally rock! I saw you playing Quidditch and you’re fuuuuuuuuing awesome! No matter where you are..
And I have many more, but we received a phone call of some people really dear to Joan, so.. I’m not going to ask any question, but just let these people tell Joan, what they been wanting to tell her.”

It was silent for a while and then I startled hearing Harry’ voice:
“hey there Joan…I don’t really believe you’re listening, but if you are I want you to know that I’d love to see you again..” he passed the phone, realizing they didn’t have much time. Every time I heard a new voice I gasped for air and tears fell down my face. Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, my father, Lee, George, but then Fred came to the phone, as soon as he only said my name I jumped up. “I…” I put off the radio and stared at it. Then I lowered back in my chair. Snape put his hand on my back, but I Jumped away and began walking through the room, to eventually go outside with the dogs. When I got back inside they had left leaving a not: “you did great.”

A couple of days later Snape came back, telling me they had shared the memory. Fred had been shocked, he was tremendously hurt. Snape explained and I sent him away, mad tat they had shared that specific memory as well/ “We do it to make this easier on them, joan”
“you think this does make it easier, Severus? Damn it!”
“He wants to know how you are!”
“because he cares for me, Severus! He always has! You had no right to show this to him!”
“he needs to realize how hard it is for you!” I snorted and walked outside, the dogs barked and Snape left.
“I can’t believe he did that, Draco, I can’t”

After that he staid away for a whole while, but I slowly realized it was to late for me to go back to the life I had lived the past four years. I considered moving though, but only for a few days. On December thirty-first he stood at the door. Good to see you still live here, Joan.”
“come on in.”
“long time ago now, right? I figured you were mad.” He smiled and looked at me, but I didn’t.
“You want to celebrate New year here?” I asked sarcastically, but he nodded. So I started to prepare dinner and at twelve he said: “Happy New year, Joan.”
“happy New year, Severus. Happy New year Mayjin.” And I grabbed the dog with one arm. “Garner” and I took him in the other “Ploke” and I grabbed all three dog tight: “happy New year, Draco” How I’d want to hug him, nobody could possibly understand. Snape slept on the coach that night, the dogs were getting used to him and so was I. But I knew that in spite of he being the only one that came he felt incredible let down by how I’d become. At breakfast it was silent until, for once, I broke the silence. “Severus?”
“yes?” he looked up in surprise.
“Would you mind..?”
“no”
“uh, ok , I ..I’ve written a letter.. for Fred..” He looked at me and I knew he was memorizing my face for Fred. “I think you’re telling him more then me, aren’t you?”
I looked at him in surprise, wondering why he stated that. “would you like to see him?”
“no”
“ok” A little while later he left with the letter. To the burrow. “tell them a happy new year” Snape smiled and nodded: “I most certainly will.

I thought of the letter I’d written and I hoped Fred wouldn’t be to upset.


Dear Fred,
I’m sorry for what you had to see..I can’t believe Severus showed you! Please don’t be upset about it. And realize I reacted like that because it’s the toughest to hear the voices of people that have always been there for me whenever I was down..Just because it is now so impossible to help me now. You might feel like your losing me and I’m dropping you, but I’m not, Fred. I just want to walk before I run…
I assure you that time will come that we’ll see each other, but I want you to then be prepared. I’ve created another world for myself, in which I decide what happens, which all is softly breaking since the first visit of Dumbledore. I’ve felt apart and I am far from mended, do I overreact? Like I always did and do? Not even worthy comparing. Because I can, in no way, be compared to who I was.
I can’t just burry him away some where, therefore I loved him to much and have got to much to do with his death. He’s still inside my heart, still here underneath this pale skin of mine.
You’ve always rescued me, always stood up for me, protected me…just like your brother, just like Draco, but right now there is nothing to recue or protect me from. Whenever I fell apart, you’d collect the pieces and put me all back together, it’s just that now, there’s a piece missing, a piece you’ll never find. You’ve always been the guy I could trust and I’ve always been the girl nobody could shut up. Now I find trouble talking to people and I don’t dare to see you.
I’ve lived years alone with my dogs and the illusion of my dead boyfriend now. Refusing to believe he’s entirely gone. I’m no more then the pieces of what I used to be, be prepared for that Fred. Because you know I’ve been bended more then once, but never broken like now. And I’m scared Fred, I am so scared…
Joan

Months passed with the only wizards visiting me being Snape and Dumbledore, who should have been, except Fred the worst to face.
It was halfway June and felt it was time, it had been long enough. I told Dumbledore and he began to organize immediately, but when I dreamt of my last night with Draco, I told him I wasn’t ready after all the day afterwards. And I felt the disappointment with Dumbledore, but it didn’t change my mind. I had the feeling Draco didn’t want me to, so I didn’t. I was shocked to hear, a week later, that Lucius Malfoy had been at the burrow. “don’t you see that he warned me?!”
“Joan, you told us, you weren’t ready”
“but I thought it was, Draco warned me not to go!”
Snape and Dumbledore sighed and looked at each other, I knew everybody though I was going mad, but I knew I was right, they though it was coincidence, but I had ruled that out a long time ago.
“I don’t know what to do, Draco” I said every evening for about two months. As did I on the evening of the third of August and that night I dream again. I dreamt that I yelled his name, while the dogs howled, all of the sudden he stood behind me, pulled me up, hugged me and then pushed me to the burrow. I looked around, but I was all alone all of the sudden. When I wake up the next morning I was insecure about his wish.
I went downstairs, washed, ate and wrapped his cloak around me, at which I walked outside, to the lake. I stared at the lake and knew that Snape or Dumbledore was there, for sure. But I didn’t care and started talking. “I actually hoped, you’d be here, Draco” while realizing this might be the last year I got to do it alone. “I love you Draco, I really do. I do really love you, I do, I do” what followed was a scream, a yelling that was filled with the pain and regret it tried to get rid of. After a while I went silent and still staring at the lake, recovering memories, tears rolled down my cheeks. “Only ‘cause you said so.” I then said and walked inside. “I won’t be long guys” I said to the dogs, walked outside and without giving myself the chance to change my mind I aparated. I stood at the burrow and got frightened. “oh Draco, I don’t know…then again I never will, will I?” I walked to the door and knocked on it. The door opened it and though I felt the happiness everyone felt I also felt their tension, Dumbledore had prepared them and told them how to behave when they’d meet me, for which I was incredibly grateful. Because instead of all wanting to hug me, they stepped back and let me inside. I nervously walked through the corridor of people, constantly pulling the cloak tighter. The door closed and I felt like an animal trapped in the zoo. As I walked my friends held their breaths, as if I was a fragile ghost that would fade at a sound or breeze. I didn’t look anyone in the eyes and stared at the floor, ashamed and scared. Then I looked around the room without seeing faces.
“Joan?” Ginny asked and my reaction startled her and everyone else in the room. My eyes widened and I looked at her, immediately looking at the floor again, my eyes flashing and then looked back at her, with a tremendous fear I myself couldn’t place. I stepped back a bit, still looking at her red eyes. Then I looked in the room again, my eyes flashing over their sad and shocked faces. My glance stayed at Fred, who had turned his eyes down. I couldn’t do more nor less then stare at the young man. I noticed, but didn’t realize George pushed his brothers arm. Fred looked up at him and he nodded at me. Fred looked at me and couldn’t rip away my eyes, like with Ginny, my muscles pulled together as I, frightened, petrified. It was Fred who, once again turned down his eyes, I still stared at him, ready to jump away should anyone make an unexpected move. Though at the moment someone knocked on the door I nearly panicked, still petrified. Snape came in and looked at me. “Waw, Joan” I swallowed.
“come on, time to go home again” I nodded and whispered so silently: “to Draco”
Walking outside, I gave Snape a look which gave away I wanted to be alone.
When I got home I cried. “did you see their faces, Draco?” and after running thos few minutes over and over in my head I fell asleep.
A few days later Snape came by. “you gave everyone a good startle.” I nodded: “I know”
“it was a weird day to pick, Joan” I shook my head. “he wanted me to.” Snape sighed: “would you like to see what they said.”
“no” I simply replied. But when Draco didn’t gave me any signs anymore and I didn’t dream those dreams I asked him for the memory a couple of weeks later. Snape had aparated to get a small versioned pensieve and slipped a memory in.

Snape closed the door and turned around, everyone was silent, shocked staring at the floor. “How..” Snape started and Harry immediately answered. “she.. was like some kind of an animal.”
“trapped by hunters” George continued.
“She wrote to me that she was no more then the pieces of who she used to be, but..it’s much worse then that, she’s become her own total opposite. I couldn’t look at her..her frightened eyes scared the hell out of me, it hurt me..” Fred thought out loud.
“it had the total opposite effect on me, I couldn’t do anything else then stare at her..” Ginny replied.
“Never realized how far people could…be torn.” My father whispered.
“You’ll have to give her sometime, she picked a rather odd day…”
“That’s the only thing that was ‘Joan’ about her..” George mumbled.
“exactly, that its why there still is hope to get her back!” Snape said. Everyone looked at him and it was silent in the room for quite a while. After a while Ginny asked: “The cloak she wore..Is it..you know..his?” Snape nodded.
“She held on to it for dear life!” Hermione said with a frog in het troth.
“She quite often does.”
“All these years I’ve wanted nothing more then hold her…now I’m afraid she’d run if I only said her name out load.” Fred said, more to himself then to anyone else.
The memory stopped and Snape needed no words, he left and I knew there was more that I couldn’t see. I thought for weeks, in which he let me.

A few weeks later he came by and I asked him who was at the burrow. He looked up in surprise and was excited when we a little while later sat at the kitchen table with Molly and Arthur. “How are you dear?” she asked “fine thank” I answered, without looking up.
“…Shall I get the boys? They’re here for the weekend.”
“not yet thanks.”
“uhm ok”
“how come they’re here?” Snape asked Molly, who looked at him in surprise. “I thought they lived on their own already.”
“they do, but they still stay over in the weekends, hoping you come by with some news..”
“ow I see, how’s their shop, I heard it’s a big success” Molly now understood Snape wanted to talk, because I’d get used to people talking around me again. Also taking away the constant attention to me, which made me relax a little more. They kept on talking about the entire family, about how and what they did. I followed the conversation not once asking anything. A little while later Snape asked: “now? Joan?” I simply nodded. And Molly went upstairs to get them, it didn’t take them long and they stared at me. They sat down at the table. Molly and Arthur started talking to each other about the ministry. Snape wanted to talk to the twins too, but they didn’t get distracted. I got nervous by their looks and stared at the table getting uncomfortable. “Joan?” Snape asked and I looked p at him. “Why don’t you tell them about the dogs? They know one of them, don’t they? They might wonder how he’s doing?” I nodded and swallowed then I softly said: “Mayjin” I still looked at the table, but Molly and Arthur had stopped talking and I could practically sense that the twins dropped a tear. “He’s fine”
Snape nodded “he’s become near to human has he not?” I nodded “he’s real sweet.”
“what about the others? Tell us something.”
“..I was out in the village for groceries with Mayjin one day….and I found a little pile of dog.” I almost whispered. “I named him Garner and Mayjin and I nursed him. He was so skinny and sad…And then later some guy from the village brought a young pup…he said he thought it was the place for him, with me..So I wondered how to call him…I decided it was Draco’s dog. And I walked around two days calling names, and he picked Ploke” I said and then looked up to Fred, who like I had eyes filled with tears. “no need to believe me, feel free to think I’m insane, but he did. He picked it.”
Fred nodded “ I believe you, Joan, always did always will..Only doubted you once.”
Snape stood up and I followed him outside. In the following weeks we visited my other friends. They were amazed that Snape, who had once admired me for my strong personality, now handled me like a little child. He assured them that this wasn’t the case when he was at my home. “we’ll get there.” He’d then say.
A while later I went back to the burrow and took the dogs too, everyone was there and enthusiast seeing Mayjin, who recognized them all and then stayed at Freds feeth. Garner and Ploke were loved by everyone and it felt good, even for me. I didn’t talk, but I could bare people around me talking.