3. The need

The need

The next days i wondered around, thinking of what Dumbledore and Snape had told me. I was mad somehow that they did, on the other hand a feeling of guilt came over me again. “well I’m guilty to worse then this am I not, Draco?” I then said. When exactly a week later Snape and Dumbledore stood at the door I wasn’t surprised. I gave them a cup of tea and Dumbledore talked about how wonderful the wizarding world had gotten, now Voldemort once and for all was gone. I barely listened to him when he talked, but whenever Snape talked about the success of the twins’ shop I felt strange. “They their selves claim they aren’t that good, because a lot of their everlasting happiness and joy is gone, but the entire world loves them.”
After that they visited me once a week and on the fifth of November they brought a radio. But I shook my head: “please no, not yet.” Disappointed as they were they put it away. “But, you can tell them” they looked at me in surprise, “don’t tell them where, tell them not to come or to write, but tell them you found me and that I’m fine.”
“you think they’ll live their lives that easily? When I’m ready, I’ll go to them.” They nodded.
“I bet you hate I every let them in don’t you, Draco?”
“joan..”
“I know, you don’t have to believe me, he doesn’t reply when you’re here and that doesn’t make me very convincible, I know that, but I also know that when you walk out that door he does. I bet he’s mad at me for letting you in, don’t you Draco?” Snape and Dumbledore startled as a curtain fell down, but I just smiled and nodded. “I guess he doesn’t after all.” Snape and Dumbledore looked at me in surprise, while I hung up the curtains again.
“coincidence right? Except that there is no way for the curtain to fall down on itself and whenever I ask Draco a question, this is how he’ll answer.”
Both men were amazed and I took Draco’s cloak and held on to it. “joan?” I looked up at Dumbledore. “do you think you could, you know tell me how it exactly happened?” I looked up at him.
“no” I replied.
“has he always answered?”
“no it started when I got Ploke I looked at the young dog.” Dumbledore followed my look.
“And you talked to him before?”
“always have, everyday, three years now.”
Dumbledore had found another riddle to solve I realized and somehow felt sorry about how he always looked at for those riddles. After that only Severus came by every once in a while.
“we told the Weasley twins first he told me halfway December. They were planning to close the shop and follow us everywhere we’d go. That is why it took me so long to come. They just held on to me, they’ve got something to fight again, Joan they follow me everywhere! They want to see you.” I nodded by the next time you come, Severus I’ll have written a letter to give to them.” He nodded and a bit later he continued. “The we went for Lee, when we told him why you hadn’t answered any letters he seemed more then relieved and after a long conversation I persuaded him we should respect your wish to wait with seeing each other.” I nodded and Snape continued. “Hermione and Ron and Ginny and Harry were very glad to hear so.. And Ned” he said and he almost smiled “I said his enthusiasm had lessened, but it came back in a minute, he clearly things you’ll be visiting him the next month.” I smiled. “your father however wasn’t glad at all, he was glad you were …ok , but almost got mad at me for saying I didn’t want him near his own daughter. When I told him I just respected your wishes like he had done those two weeks before you left, he kind of freaked. Is this your payback then? He said. He said he knew how everyone had hated him for respecting that wish. But you did it anyway I have answered him, just like I will now.”
A bit later I let him outside. “Joan?”
“hmm?”
“you’re writing a letter then, for the twins.” I nodded.
“what about the others?”
“they don’t need one”
“right.” He said, but knew not to go in against it and left. I walked the dogs and then sat down at the table. I took the last letter I’d gotten from Fred

“Joan, I know it’s the third letter in a day, but I’m only hoping it’ll change your mind, if it doesn’t I want you to know: you’re always on my mind, Joan, always have been, always will be..please remember me…as you friend, please? Fred”

There were still stains on it and the ink had turned from me tears, but I folded it and took an other piece of parchment. Writing.
“I’ll always remember you, Fred. Just gave me some time on my own. Please.” I folded his letter in the note I’d just written en wrote is name on the outside of it then I took another piece of parchment and wrote: “Dear George, I hear your lives are as they should be. Don’t go messing with that chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased. I’ll come to you whenever I’m ready. Snape and Dumbledore come here, yes, but it’s not because I want them to…please I need this time alone.”

I folded it together and wrote “George” on the back then I putted them together in an envelope and laid it on the table. “will they understand Draco? I hope they do, they’ve supportive and all so far. A couple of weeks passed and on new years eve I said “happy new year, you guys, Draco.” The dogs shortly barked and I went to bed early, thinking of the new year I had spent in Mansion Malfoy.
“was he already planning it back then, Draco? Without us knowing? It’s near to impossible”
Time passed slowly. “like this it’ll be long before we’re ever together, Draco, years pass to damn slow.” As the weeks went by I just lived me life like it had been the three past years before Dumbledore found me. “They haven’t been here quite a while now, Draco.” I said on March de 7th.
Surprisingly on the twenty fourth of March Severus stood at the door. “didn’t expect you to come back?”
“the twins” he said “ they’re getting really though.”
“right” I said and I gave him the envelope that had been waiting. He left a little later that day and already returned before the end of March. He gave me an envelope, which I decided to open when he left. I put it on the table and look at my former teacher. “severus” I said softly, “how’s he doing?”
He waited a while and then he replied. “I think he looks as bad as you do.” I nodded and gave him tea. “I don’t know if I can do it.”
“sorry?”
“ever meet them again…reading that letter will be really hard for me, even if it’s only a short one. It..”
“I understand that.” He replied. “just let them understand to, joan, quiet frankly, they don’t know what to think now.”
“I don’t think I can write him a letter. It’s…”
“I know, that your time and then explain.” I nodded “ how did they..?”
“they seemed like hungry wolves on a piece of meat when I got it out of my pocket. They immediately opened it. Fred looked shocked, but so relieved and happy to read your handwriting. He actually thanked me. George had a bit of the same feeling, but he was silent.” I nodded.
“I’ll try to write an explanation.” He smiled and stood up.
“and I’ll tell them.” I let him out and looked at the envelope, not opening it. A few days later he passed by, “in and out” he said, “have some business to do. He saw I hadn’t opened the envelope and gave me a pleading look at which he turned around and left. A few day later I opened it and a couple of hours later I unfolded the first piece of parchment.

“Dear Joan,
I can’t express how glad I am to finally, after three and a half years, to hear from you again. I just which I could see you. I don’t know how to explain how hard it is, knowing that you’re still out there, after three years of fear that you weren’t, and not being allowed to visit you. We’ve missed you and our lives were actually controlled by it. The fourth and the twenty sixth of August, the fifth of November, the day we won the WC..Whenever I hear something from Quidditch we think of you…Hogwarts still hasn’t re-entered the WC. And so the rumors go, Gryffindor doesn’t win the school competition every year anymore. Once a year we all go to the school, the entire Hogwarts team. And then you see the admiration and the regret that you aren’t there standing with us. The first year Fred and I didn’t join I believe at that moment we were at Hongary, looking for you. The second year we did join and then I realized why you dropped school, being there mad us all real sad, just…
I think I get why you’re still hiding away from it…Nevertheless I hope to see you real soon.
Hugs and kisses George”

“Hi Joan,
I’m so glad I get to write to you! I have been writing to you, but didn’t have a place to sent the letters. I’m so excited they found you! I’m really longing to see you and I can assure you, I am not the only one. I didn’t know exactly what to write, then I read Georges and he describes the exact point actually, so since Snape thought letters are for some reason difficult for you, I’ll leave it to that.

XX Fred


I sighed and got nervous. Walked around the house and discussed with Draco, who didn’t respond any of my question. It made me doubt, didn’t he want this, did he want me to stay here? When Severus had come by several weeks in a row he eventually asked, the end of June, “the twins really would like to see their letters answered. What shall I tell them?” I nodded and respond: “I’ll write them soon.”
And in the following weeks I tried to reply the letters. It took me weeks, but by the end of July I had a letter ready and gave it to Snape. Who thanked me with all his heart and went straight to the twins’ shop.

Dear boys,
I can’t explain, and if I could I fear you wouldn’t understand how hard this is for me. None the less I’ll try. It took me a lot of time before I finally got the letter like I wanted it. I’m sorry, first of all for what I might be and am probably to you. I hope you can somewhere understand…
I read the letter you’ve sent me only a year after you did…When I did I went trough an emotionally rough period…Contact with you guys frightens the crap out of me. Because it rips me out of this world on my own where I can be who I want to…In this world I am alone and I decide what happens, I’m not lonely though I’ve got three dogs and I talk to Draco, daily. When I got any contact with the world before, this I had when I did finally read your letters, this happened when I was at school of course, this happened when Dumbledore and Snape arrived here the first and many times after and I have it right now is that it makes me realize how this world of peace I created is only me fantasy and not real. It makes me realize that in real life, where I eventually will have to return, everything isn’t that well. It’s really hard to explain, guys and I’m sorry if you don’t understand, but it confronts me with fact that I have now twisted to be less bad. Don’t think I ‘believe’ he’s here and have gone mad, but I think Draco still watches over me. I’ve talked to him everyday and as the matter of fact, Fred. He picked the name for my last dog, who I consider his. And just like you once agreed on a name he picked, for Mayjin, Draco now agreed on a name you once picked: Ploke.
I’m not sure however how he feels about me contacting you guys, in some way I don’t think he likes it…But he doesn’t really says me to stop either. I don’t know, but I guess I eventually have to, but I know I’m not ready yet. As I said, I talk to him, everyday. Even when Snape is here I do. If you’ve read this letter you may go to him and he’ll share a memory with you guys. A memory of one of his visits here…that way you’ve seen something of me. And when the time is there I guess I’ll ask one of you guys too. Just not yet.
Your letter was very understanding and I’m really glad for that! Maybe you guys will understand, I hope you do. You can’t believe the trouble it took me to write you guys.

Joan


A week later Snape came by and told me they had asked for the memory, “I told them to consider if well enough, but they seemed sure” he said. He told me how they’d both been appalled to see me, not that I looked per definition bad, but the house was a little dark and the conversation Snaep had with me was slow and with trouble, I almost never looked him in the eyes and it seemed as if I was more daydreaming then listening whenever he talked to me. And all of the sudden, halfway the memory I said: “What do you think, Draco?” They had been devastated, but a couple of weeks later I heared they asked more memories. And Snape did share some as did Dumbledore, Snape told me. He had shown them the memory of the fourth of August when I had screamed along with a howling Mayjin. And the memories of the days after that as well.
“I guess they’ll want to give you a letter soon..” he looked at me, tensioned for what was coming. “let them.” Snape breathed relieved “good, real good” and with those words he disappeared. And a few weeks later he came back, bringing a letter along. He smiled and knowing I wouldn’t open it with him in the house, he didn’t even answer, but left immediately.
I hesitated for a bit and then opened the envelope.

Dear Joan,

We’ve seen quiet a bit of memories about you and we’ve actually temporary closed the shop and we’ve been talking with Dumbledore and Snape all day for weeks now, at the burrow though, so are Harry and Ginny, Hermione and Ron and Lee and Ned come by every once in a time to, your dad’s here quiet often to. Dumbledore told us a lot about you, so we all experienced you’re impressing people in the neighborhood, I guess that is something that will never leave you. It seems to him that you are becoming a myth amongst the muggles there…
How ever we also saw the memory of the day Dumbledore found you…For a moment we though you were turning into an animal like the ones surrounding you, out of later memories we decided it was actually the other way around. None the less we were amazingly shocked to see you like that. In the memories that followed we saw a totally different you and it has gotten us worried. We hope you’ll go back to being Joan once. Everyone is hoping to see you, the others are asking to write and see memories to…your call of course.

Kisses Fred&George


It was the third of July when I read the letter and had told Snape to most certainly not come back the forth. As I woke after a long night with no sleep the next morning I didn’t need to realize what day it was. I grabbed Draco’s cloak and wrapped it round me, then I took Mayjin outside, telling Garner and Ploke to say at the door. I walked with Mayjin a side of me to the lake and halfway I stood still and closed my eyes: “will it ever fade, Draco? The memory of you jumping up from behind me, startling the crap out of me? The memory and feeling of your arms round me? You’re happy and playful face whenever you did so?” I looked at the sky and tears rolled out of my eyes. “I remember you holding me, Draco..oh I do. I remember how jealous you were…how you loved me…protected and cared for me…the pain on your face, the pain more of emotional sufferance then physical..Oh I know you were sorry….Believe me I am more.” I looked at the ground:” it’s all my fault, Mayjin” I whispered. I kneeled down and cried, cried until I once again, like the year before, screamed, just yelled the pain and regrets out, but it wouldn’t bring him bake, so yelling wouldn’t help anything, which kept me yelling and screaming as if an animal that had come near to death. Mayjin once again joined in the scream he howled and after a while Garner and Ploke came near, sat next to us and howled along. People probably heard it to the village but I didn’t care. I took breath and screamed again, long and loud, just like the dogs. After a long while my voice was gone and my troth hurt, but the heart was more. And I just kept screaming, without producing any sound, then I pulled the cloak, I hadn’t washed in four years, tight to me and swung myself softly before going back inside. The next day Snape stood at the door, but I didn’t open it.