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 1. The years that followed

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BerichtOnderwerp: 1. The years that followed   wo feb 04, 2009 11:03 pm

The years in between and after

The next year at school was frustrated, I only had a few classes over at Harry, Hermione and Ron’s year, no twins or Draco to cheer me up. As lucky as I’d been in the beginning of the past year, as unhappy I was now. With Harry having Ginny and Ron and Hermione having each other I, more and more took walks with Mayjin or visited as well Dumbledore as Snape. I got many letter of George and especially Fred about how they had opened their shop and how I should visit and of course how I was, but I rarely rote back, not knowing what to write. It was hard walking through the corridors where we had shared our secret love. It was hard being at potions or defence against the dark arts. I did no longer play Quidditch and refused the wish of McGonagall of becoming captain. The entire house of Griffoendor was disappointed, but except for Ned everyone understood I wouldn’t be able to. Hogwarts wasn’t entering the WC this year and all students that had known me, as their captain, friend or classmate could understand and see that a soul was broken. Hours a day I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling seeing Draco in front of me, remembering every second I’d spent with him. How he’d stood up for me in the very beginning, our many returns to Snape’s office, to the stairs, how we had loved the holidays, been at his home, at my home, at the lake, at our so many detentions together, potions and defence against the dark arts classes together, the train, the letters-which I could practically rehearse because I’d read them over and over again. his smile, smirk, kiss, touch, hair, hug, arm, …every little bit off him came back to me and stayed with me, every emotion, every touch or part of him, his face, mouth, eye…dead eye.
A month later I realised that I was completely incapable of going like this and though Dumbledore tried to persuade me, he accepted my decision and let me quit school. Without telling anybody, but Dumbledore and Snape in whom I weirdly enough found some comfort, I packed my backs the very same evening. Hermione had seen it, but didn’t dare to ask, instead she went to Ginny, Harry and Ron, when I got down in the common room a bit later I realised, I owed them. So sat down, but just sat there, nobody spoke everyone, realised. Half an hour later I stood up, looked at them one by one. They still didn’t know what to say. Until I turned around to go upstairs again. “Joan” Ginny started and I looked at her. She stood up and came to me, but didn’t dare to hug me and she simply said: “we’ll write, right.” I looked into her eyes and saw somewhat sadness because she realised they eyes looking at her did not have any kind of strength or will. I smiled at her and then went up. The next morning they didn’t see me anymore. I had left to the dungeons, knocking on the door at four in the morning any other student would have gotten detention for the rest of his life. I however was invited in. It was strange how a man like him, could be my biggest comfort. Fact is he’s been through somewhat the same. “I never had your positive strength tough” he said. But the rest of it was quite similar. The woman he truly loved had died, also because of him and because of Voldemort. But they had never been together, “she never loved me” he’d then say, not hiding his sadness “It only makes it worse for you, I can imagine.” He as well isolated, bitterer and this was somehow better possible for good occlumeses, to crawl away and hide. I hugged him: “Hope to see you soon, Joan” he said.
“Bye Severus” I answered. Then I walked to Dumbledores office, who looked a little insecure. I knew he was sorry and felt like he had failed, like he’d broke me down. A girl that would have been able to have a good future, a strong position in the wizarding world, would now slowly fade away, bit by bit. he couldn’t stop it, but he’d started it. I walked to the fireplace without saying a word to Dumbledore. “The best of luck, Joan” I looked at him, I knew what he meant, he meant “be sure you recover” but I nodded at him and said: “Dhanes place” I appeared at home, were my dad knew he was losing me. “please Joan” he’d pled many times, but I never cared. I staid home for two weeks in which I barely spoke to my dad and got letter I didn’t open, every day. After those two weeks I walked towards my dad, I looked at him and he understood what I meant. “Joan…” he pled. But immediately realised it wouldn’t help, so he just hugged me, I forced myself to lay my hands on his back and the grabbed a little bag, containing all the stuff I owned. I grabbed Mayjins fur and aparated. I moved in an old and unlived in house. I lived there for a few months, then I rented a house the other side of England, lived there for a bit and moved to Scotland. I was so busy staying on the move that I never unpacked. Everyday I tried to talk to him, knowing it was impossible. But I everyday did, I talked aloud, like to him and it comforted me.
When I was travelling around for almost a year and it was the exact day Draco had died. I walked around in a small house near a river. “A year now, Draco, for a year you’re away. A year that I keep talking to you. I love you, you know..I really do” I started to cry: “a whole year! Why? Do you remember Draco, do you remember how our attempts to brake up ended up? Then why are you doing this to me?” I wept the day trough. And when I sat on the edge of my bed I talked to Mayjin: “do you remember him, boy? You liked him, didn’t you? The dog moaned and laid his head on my legs. I petted him. “I know you did, dear, I know you did” I laid down in me bed and the dog jumped on the bed, laying himself near me. “goodnight Mayjin, night Draco” And I turned in my bed to fall asleep. The next morning I grabbed my stuff, Mayjins fur and aparated to my next house. I was happy to have the dog, I was sure he kept me from going crazy. As I appeared on the new location a click was made in me head, I didn’t realise why or how that was, bus apparently Mayjin felt it to, this was the place we needed to be. While walking towards the house I whispered: “is it you, Draco, You giving us a sign?” The small house we ended up had stoop in the middle of fields as far as I could see and there was an awfully big lake a little further. I put my stuff outside and said “come on” to the dog. “let’s take a walk round the lake again!” When halfway the lake I realised I had hoped for Draco to pop up and make me startle, but when you hope for just doesn’t happen. My eyes filled with tears again, but it felt so normally now that I just walked on. “he’s not coming Mayjin” I said and the dog quietly went inside the house with me. The next day I aparated to the village to get some food and when I was about to aparate, something felt strange. I looked around and saw an brown pack of fur on the street a few meters a head of me. I walked towards it and found it to be a small pup, skinny to the bone, it looked at me with such a sad eyes I immediately knew that this little dog had been left behind. “oh you poor little thing” I said and I picked it up. I aparated home and immediately called for Mayjin, in a matter of second the dog stood beside me, “look what I found, mate” He looked at the little pup and moaned softly. “I know he looks awful, doesn’t he?” The little pup was unable to walk by the lack of strength and I put him in a basket with a pillow and fed hem, manually every hour. A few day later it swung his tail at me “see Mayjin! He becoming better!” it had been a long time since I actually had been so enthusiastic. Mayjin at night slept with the little dog I had called Garner. Another few weeks later the little dog was strong enough to walk around the house, to weak to play though, but full of will and gratitude. “I once was just like you, little fellow” I said one day. “wasn’t I Mayjin? Always pushing myself and everyone one to it’s limits” Mayjin barked. And I laughed at him. “silly boy” the dog came near me and sat down. As if his parents we watched the pup stumbling around. But a few weeks later he and Mayjin were playing as I realised what day it was. “One year now” I said aloud and Mayjin looked at me, Garner wanted to play on, but since Mayjin stopped he to looked at me, not very well realising what happened. “One year it’s been Mayjin, one year now we are travelling around the two of us.” Garner peeped. “Well yeah” I laughed “ now it’s the three of us.” I let them outside and the dog went playing in the fields. I realised Mayjin was only three years old, it was good he had a playmate. I went upstairs and for the first time I was convinced I wanted to settle and unpacked everything, now only seeing the letters I had gotten the last two weeks I was at home. I had forgotten about them and I wasn’t sure I actually wanted to read them. Then my thoughts wondered to an other letter that didn’t get read. “oh Draco” I sighed. “I wonder if your dad found it. Somebody has to find it, right? Unless they really don’t want to enter your room anymore, but I can’t imagine his grieve to be so true” I cursed. “ But if, then maybe there are still clothes of mine, and a hairbrush on your bed… the same bed you spent your last night in…with me.”

A few days later I decided to read to letters anyway. There were two of Ginny, one of Ned, one of Ron, three of Hermione, two of Harry, five of George, four of Lee, two of Dumbledore, six of Snape and ten of Fred. “Thirty-nine letters in two weeks Mayjin, how about that?” Mayjin came sitting next to me as if he wanted to see it, so I read a loud, while Garner, being the young dog he was behaved extraordinary, he sat in front of us, watching.
“This one is Ginny’s” I said, “can you remember her Mayjin?” the dog barked. I smiled and read the letter aloud. “Hey Joan, I told you we’d write, right, so we do, how are you at home? Isn’t it to quiet? Always welcome to come back! Kisses Ginny&Harry, Hermione&Ron”

I looked at it and then folded it together, grabbing the second letter. “Neds” I said to Mayjin. “Hey captain I heard you left school yesterday, the entire school is upset, al came asking us where you live. Seems like everyone wants to write you now. But we know better don’t we? Hope to see you again, Joan. Nothing is the same anymore, I know we shouldn’t be talking’s just like that.. greeting Ned.” I was surprised to get a letter like that from Ned.

“Joan! I heard you left school, I can understand you know, but it does make me realise your not well at all, are you? Talk to me. Hug Fred

Joan, i’ll be visiting you in few weeks if you don’t mind. Albus

Hey Joan, I know I’ve gotten a proper goodbye then most, but as I understand you I’m afraid it’s not worthy for what’s going to come..don’t do anything unconsidered. Severus” I smiled yes he had known.

“Joan? You’re drowning into letters now right? Write me! XxFred

Joan, you haven’t returned our letter yet, but I’m sure you’re planning to, I’d like to know how you’re doing! Kisses Hermione

Hey Joan, no responding yet, but then again I don’t know if I’d expected you to, I hope you will though, we’re thinking of you! Kiss Ginny

Joan, please talk to me, you know you need to, want me to visit you? Want to see the shop? I want to see you. Xx Fred

Hi Joan, this morning I bumped on the sweater I got for my birthday by Fred an George. You know he one with the warnings? It made me think of you…How are you doing? The twins need some handling! I’m not good at writing letters, you know..I hope it’s good enough. Greetings Ron

Joan, you’re not responding..are mad at me for asking? XFred

Hi Joan, heard you dropped school to, I know it isn’t because you couldn’t handle those few classes…Hope you’re ok, let me know, ok? George

Considering you didn’t answer I’ll try to come bye earlier and try to find a date with your dad. Albus” I wondered if he did and went on reading.

“Joan? You’re still not responding! Please start to now, can I come by next week? X Fred

Hi there Girl, I heard you dropped school? Hanging out with us did have some influence on you then? Kidding, you know that. Keeping up a bit? Lee

“I’m sending you a letter so you’d remember me, Joan. X Fred

Hey are you ok, Joan? you should come by for a visit, you’d love the shop! Hug George

Joan, you might not believe it, but it hurts me you’re not answering letters to me nor Albus. Severus.

Hi, I might have been a little insensitive with that joke, but you know me, I didn’t mean it like that! Please tell me you’re not mad at me! Lee

Hey Joan, I know you have a lot to process right now, if you ever come to the need to talk, which I know there won’t be yet, you can talk to me. Greets Harry.

Joan, I really really didn’t mean it! Don’t do this? Lee

Just a small note to say that I meant what I wrote last time, Joan, I do! Harry

I’m going to come by without you permission, Joan I’m warning you, please! Fred

Hey Joan, no responding and I’m hurt by this, so is Fred, we don’t want to lose you Joan! George

Joan? I’m begging you to tell me you’re not mad! Lee

You once told me to never leave you, Joan I don’t want to, please. Fred

We found you’re not responding to any of you friends, Joan. Don’t lock away! Severus

Second letter in one day, Joan, just to remember me of you.

Joan? Can we come by?..please? George

Joan, you’re doing what you’re not suppose to! And you’re dad is helping, he refuses to let anyone in, no matter how much this may feel as what you need, I’m telling you it isn’t! Respond my letter, please then we can work this out! Severus

“third letter today. Your father won’t let me in. How can I not ‘leave’ you if you don’t let me in, Joan? You’re pushing me away! Don’t! Fred

Joan, you’re father is as stubborn as you, but it’s beginning to affect everyone!

Joan, please tell your dad to let me in! You can’t let me lose you like this! Fred

Second letter again today, I’m going to spam you, please don’t get me arrested for stalking, please don’t throw this away, but if you don’t want to see anyone, fine, does it include me…fine, just…don’t forget me Joan

Joan, you’re being ridiculous, you know this isn’t who you are!! You care about your friends damn it! And they care about you! There even prepared to talk to me to see if you’re responding here, do you know what that means?! Don’t do it Joan, don’t! Severus

Joan? I’m starting to doubt here, but Snape came by the store today, he kind of shocked us….please tell me you still care about us as we do for you! George

Joan, Snape came by the store…He told us he thinks you’re going away…leave us, are you Joan, are you that cold? Care so little about us? About me? Fred

Joan! Damn it! I’m losing it here at least tell me you’ll think of me once in a while, at my birthday…the day we won the WC Junior, anything, please?”F.

‘Joan, I know it’s the third letter in a day, but I’m only hoping it’ll change your mind, if it doesn’t I want you to know: you’re always on my mind, Joan, always have been, always will be..please remember me…as you friend, please? Fred”

Tears were rolling down my cheeks, I realised how they must feel and felt guilty, but even more I felt miserable because it had brought me back a little to reality, which led to the conclusion that Draco was dead. I cried now and put my hands, in which I still had Freds last letter to my face. A couple of hours later I put the letters on the table and went upstairs, I got my broom out of the closet and slide my hand over it. I sighed and then looked at the cloaks hanging next to it. One was my griffoendor Quidditch outfit, another was my Hogwarts Quidditch outfit, next to that was my Griffoendor school outfit and next to that was the cloak I took out, the cloak Draco had warn the very last day. Everyone had agreed I had to take it, I was very glad for that. I pressed the cloak against me and sighed “ohh Draco, what are you doing to me?!”

The next day I walked the dogs, but not to far, Garner was still young and the dogs ran around on their selves all day. They were two very beautiful dogs, a least so I thought.

And Mayjin looked after Garner perfectly. Growing up Garner also became a really loyal dog.

An other year passed and I come into daily routine of cleaning, making food and doing some small jobs at muggles houses every once in a while. In the evening I talked to the dogs and to Draco. Garner was about a year old now and looked fabulous, if I took both dog into the village, people would stare at the gorgeous animals walking each a side of me without a lead. I decided to go to the beach on a morning, I grabbed the fur of both dog and aparated. The dogs enjoyed and though Garner did like to aparate he enjoyed the beach more then the lake at home.

At the end of the day we went home and I put the dogs in the bathtub one at a time. The three of us really had or easy life and I still talked to Draco everyday as if we lived far away from everything, the two of us with our two dogs, just like I wanted it to be. I sometimes considered Garner as Draco’s dog. Since I found the dog it didn’t really seem far though, “what do you think Draco? Our dogs, Mayjin is actually mine, but you chose his name. And he knew you” I added softer. And as if Draco could hear me and at the time I considered it well possible, someone knocked at the door. I startled, in the past year there hadn’t been anyone on the door. Mayjin and Garner started to bark and ran to the door. “shus” I said and both dogs stopped immediately and sat down in front of the door, I opened. “hello?”
“hi” said a young man. “i’m sorry. You of course don’t know me.”
“no I don’t” I replied.
“I live in the village nearby..”
“uh, I’m sorry but you’ve been spotted with your dogs” he nodded at Mayjin en Garner. I froanded. “sorry?”
“no uhm that’s a good thing!” he smiled. “It’s just, you seem really good with dogs. And uhm we found a puppy..” I didn’t hear the rest of his explanation, but he didn’t continue very long either as he saw my face. “Draco..” I whispered.
“excuse me?”
“Nothing! Just strange, I can of had the feeling it was time to take a new dog.”
“oh that’s great and you want to call him Draco?” he smiled. I looked at him, shocked.
“no!” I said “no of course not! Where is the poor thing?”
“ow yes” he said “I’ll go get him” I nodded and he ran to his pick up truck and got a little dog out. Then he cam running back and I only now realised it was raining, so I invited the man in. Mayjin and Garner nervously ran round the house. “want something to drink?”
“a cup of coffee would be nice.” I made some coffee while asking “where did you find him?”
“underneath my truck.” He said. “but he looks so skinny that I was afraid he didn’t ever or not anymore have an owner. I’ve fed him for about a few weeks, but..”
“you weren’t planning on keeping him?” I continued his sentence, while putting two cups of coffee on the table. “well, no” he said.
“I think you did wonderful” I said looking at the scared pup.
“we saw you a little while ago, in the village.” Is sat down and pointed at the still restless dogs and lifted my hand a little at which the dog laid down next to my chair. “..and it seemed as if, and you just confirmed it you’re great with them.” I smiled. “I’ve got an awful lot of time for them. It felt a little strange talking to a real person about myself, but it was as if a little part of me was back again and even if it wasn’t so I made an impression on the muggles, so it wasn’t completely gone. “can I have a better look at him?”
“sure!” the man said and he gave the dog to me. I took it and smiled, looking at it. “Draco would have liked him, don’t you think, Mayjin?” Mayjin stood up while Garner stayed where he was. The swiss shepherd stood next to me looking carefully at the little animal in my hands. “what do you think, mate?” the dog looked up and swung his tail. He barked softly, “yes, my friend I agree, he would have liked him…Our second adopted he Mayjin.” Garner now softly barked and I smiled. To the little dog “you’re staying here, lil’ fella”
“waw” the man said. “you actually really communicate with them.” I smiled at the man I didn’t expect him to understand, I didn’t expect anyone to understand. “you’ve been feeding him well”
“yeah he looked dreadful” I nodded. “Draco, dear you work in mysterious ways.” The man didn’t understand, but didn’t ask. “an idea of a name yet?”
“no, but we’ll pick one carefully.”
“Mayjin is the white one, yes?” I looked up and nodded. “that’s a pretty name” he continued. I smiled “it is…” the man must have heard out my sad tone not to ask. “and the other one?”
“another nice name.”
“thank you. Garner, you’ve just gotten a compliment!” the dog stood up and swung his tail. “aren’t you going to say thank you?” the dog barked. “ah well” I continued to the man. “can’t expect them to understand everything.” The man looked a bit astonished, but interested. He reminded me of the old days. And I smiled, but as soon as he left, I almost felt guilty for it.
“so Draco, how will we call him?” Not knowing why I started naming names.
Mesh, Mouky,Tribo, dingle, jamgy, james, pickles,…. The following days I kept on popping names up, I was surprised brainstorming could last days. The third day I looked at the animal, still naming out load. “Djen, toru, lesko, mops, kary, plop, plank, ploke…” al of the sudden the curtains at the window fell down. I raised my eyebrows “ploke, Draco?” the other curtain fell down as well and I smiled. “ploke it is.” I stood up to hang the curtains up again. “It just can’t be imagination” I thought, it is him. The next days I pent playing with the dog and half a year later I went to the village. Ploke walking, without a lead between Mayjin and me. The man that brought Pole to me spotted us and was glad t see him again and to see how he was on his was to be just as good of a dog as Garner and Mayjin.

“That was the last time we went to the village” I said to the dogs when we got home. “else we have to move again” Mayjin pushed his head in my hand, but Garner and Ploke didn’t fully understand. And so I only went to the village for groceries and sometimes I even aparated to get them elsewhere.
“Third year, Draco” I said August 4th and Mayjin softly moaned. I let him outside and he ran to a little hill next to the lake. He sat down and howled, howled like a wolf and tears sprung in my eyes as I ran towards him. I sat down next to him and cried. The dog howled and howled and after a while I screamed, like I had done when I had held Draco’s body. Mayjin howled louder and longer. Garner and young Ploke sat watching us by the house. I sobbed again, face in my hands. And Mayjin stopped howling. He laid down, head on my legs. After a while I stopped sobbing and stared at the lake. My head on Mayjins head. Garner came laying next me and laid his head on my legs as well. I laid other my head on his head. Plok now sat behind me, a little confused. When it began to get dark I decided to go back inside and the dogs followed me. Inside I took Draco’s cloak and wrapped it around me. I looked at the table, the letters my friends had sent me, almost three years ago, still laid on he table with a layers of dust on them and my tears still on the one on top, Freds last. I took Draco’s letters, which I knew out of my head, but I loved to see his handwriting, to see how he had been real, how he’d written, spoke to me and most of all the sentences: “I love you, Joan” or “love, Draco” the letters ink was sometimes already faded because of the tears that had fallen on it. In Draco’s cloak and with his letters in my hand I fell a sleep on the coach.


-She was like the water that freezes inside a rock and breaks it apart. It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters.
-May the sun rise in you heart and you spirit run free.
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